A visa fantasy

 

Pictured above is the South African visa as it looked in 1998 (top), and as it looks today, ten years later (bottom). To acquire one back in ‘98, I had to route my flight through New York and pay a visit to the South African consulate on E 38th Street. To get one for an upcoming trip in September, I was instructed to send my passport to the South African High Commission in Kingston, Jamaica, along with a prepaid Fedex form. The process took 11 days and cost me about US$140. I can travel freely in and out of South Africa until November 11, 2008. Spontaneous travel, the kind where you wake up one morning and say “Damn, I just need to see a giraffe” or even “My cholera-combatting skills would come in really handy in cyclone-ravaged _____” , hop on the internet, buy yourself a ticket, pack a bag and dash off to the airport, is clearly not for the likes of me.

By visa acquisition standards, however, the South African process is a breeze. To apply for a visa to travel to North American and most European countries people like me need to visit the embassy or consulate in person, armed with bank statement/s (preferably showing a positive balance); hotel reservations or other proof that you won’t end up sleeping in a subway or public park; health insurance; evidence of return travel to home country; names, addresses, telephone numbers and astrological signs of sponsors in receiving country; umbrella or sun hat (to protect yourself from the elements as you stand for hours in a line outside the building); reading matter (to entertain yourself as you stand for hours in a line outside the building–cell phones, radios, iPods etc are prohibited by many embassies); and picnic basket (to prevent yourself from starving as you stand for hours in a line outside the building). If you’re young, or poor, the embassy may ask you to demonstrate that you have sufficiently strong ties in your home country, like a spouse, so it may be advisable to bring along a wedding album, preferably your own.

The country I plan on founding one day (working title: “Gapland”; “Georgia”, sadly, being already taken) will issue visitors’ visas on arrival at the airport (as some countries already do). These will take the form of adhesive stickers so gorgeous as to be coveted by discerning travellers the world over. Just as well, as every visitor will require them, regardless of nationality (though you’ll have the option of affixing them either to a page in your passport or the lid of your laptop). For a few extra GPDs (Gapland dollars), visitors will be able to receive their visas in the form of a tattoo.

While standing in the (short) queue leading up to the visa distribution kiosk, arriving visitors will be plied with local delicacies, including organic fruit juices and wines from the national vineyards. Massages will be available on request. Visas will be issued to anyone of reasonably sound mind who is not a convicted felon or war criminal and who is revealed, via a Google search and detailed scan of personal blog and Facebook/MySpace accounts, to be free of intent to harm others or use Gapland as a base for nefarious activities. Along with their visas, visitors will receive a Gaplandese phrasebook, a copy of the most recent Gapland Book Prize-winning volume, and a Gapland-developed and manufactured wifi-enabled mini-computer/mobile phone filled with Gaplandish music, including the country’s ultra-cool national anthem (chorus sung by indigenous animals!) and GPD$100 in airtime.

At certain times of year (Gapland Carnival, the week of my birthday, mango season, the Zaboca Festival, Pothound Appreciation Week etc) Gapland will issue specially designed limited edition visas (designs to be solicited via competition from students of the Gapland Art Academy and other talented locals). Sophisticated travelers will make pilgrimages to the country just to have the pages of their passports graced by one of these beauties.

The Gapland visa will usher in the era of the visa as collectible. From a passport page-hogging stigma signifying “our country deems people from your country deeply suspect and liable to violate immigration laws”, the visa will evolve into a badge of well-travelledness and sophistication. Americans and Europeans will rush to get them. People (more than likely the same ones who choose wines according to the label) will choose the countries they travel to on the basis on the attractiveness of their visas. Visa geeks will travel just to amass visas, sheath them in plastic and show them off at conventions, wearing the national dress of their favourite visa-producing country. Entrepreneurs will travel in order to collect visas to sell on eBay. Visas from countries which receive few visitors will become rare and valuable commodities, perhaps prompting more powerful countries to resort to dastardly artificial methods of increasing the numbers of visitor arrivals in those countries in order to drive down the value of their visas.

I never said it would be all good.

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