As I write, desperate measures are being resorted to by Oso, my (now) fellow Global Voices Regional Editor, in response to the division of what he (hopes we’ll believe he’s being ironic when) he calls “my vast empire”. Yes, my friends, the so-called “Americas”, over which Oso has been lording himself since the beginning of the Global Voices enterprise like a freckled Fitzcarraldo, is about to be divided into . . . well, that is the question.

Caribbean and Latin America? Caribbean, North America, Central American and Latin America? Caramerica and Latibbean? Whatever the final decision, the point is that I, as the freshly appointed Global Voices Caribbean Editor, get part of it, and Oso is clearly viewing the situation in the manner of any dictator on the eve of his deposition – i.e. with an extremely jaundiced eye. As a result, he has begun trying his level best to destroy my reputation, by means of such despicable methods as false impersonation and accusations of lobbyist-hiring (Nicholas volunteered, I swear! Nicholas’s blog now accepts comments, by the way) – all couched, mind you, in tones of humour and irony.

To begin with, I do not thumb-wrestle. And if I were to engage in such a pastime, I would certainly keep my elbows on the table. Secondly, I never said I could beat Oso at tennis! Here, in fact, is how that whole tennis confusion thingy came about:

As (former) friends and fellow geeks (though in my case the geekery is feigned), Oso and I often exchange links and tech tips. Because such things are simply not in my nature, it never occurred to me to keep a tally of the number of tips I was sending him versus the number he was sending me. Day before yesterday, however, I sent Oso a link (which had in fact been discovered by my dog, Delphine, and posted at her blog way back in January), and received the following reply:

Sabadabadbabdubububi.com has been a favorite of mine for a while. I even linked to it on GV. So there. Finally. I win, I win!! (doing the dance)

So the bastard Oso had been keeping score! Is that something a friend would do? As usual, I took the high road, replying:

Must we compete? Competition is so ugly.

Then something must have fallen on the keyboard, because I have no recollection of having typed the following line:

(Yeah, right. You should see me on a tennis court).

I really must proofread my e-mails better, because I ended up sending the e-mail with the mysterious line intact. And this was of course the line upon which, Oso, already peeved at the prospect of having to carve up his fiefdom so I could get a piece, chose to leap. Here was the creep’s Oso’s response:

I would hate to see you on a tennis court ... at least against me. You'd probably be crying after I beta (sic) you in straight sets. Hiyo!!

Never having been beta-ed before, I felt it necessary to demand clarification, as follows:

Normally I consider pouncing on another person's typos a low blow, but you're asking for it - is "beta" a tennis term I'm not familiar with?

(Okay, so I stooped a tad, but this was only in order to conquer). But then came Oso’s priceless reply:

I won't hold it against you that web2.0 tennis hasn't reached your backward isle ...

Now you have to admit, that was one slick comeback. Not only was this the funniest line I’d heard all day, but, after rolling on the floor for several minutes, I even went and Googled “web 2.0 tennis”! Such rapier wit, I thought, was the reason the citizens of Oso’s soon-to-be-balkanized empire had allowed themselves to be dispossessed and subjugated, not to mention made to watch his frequent attempts at wining.

Then I returned to my senses. I’ll be the Empress Regional Editor of Latibbea yet.

You will note, however, that nowhere did I ever say I could beat Oso at tennis.